And, as I realized these
drawbacks, by degrees fear and bitterness
modified themselves into pity and toleration;
and then in a year or two, pity and toleration
went, and the greatest release of all came,
which is freedom to think of things in themselves.
- Virginia Woolf
My brother-in-law, Greg Burnham, was standing
at the intersection of West and Liberty,
wondering where the Port Authority had relocated
its operations center, when the south trade
tower collapsed. He thought how cruel it
was he had given his wife, Lee, false hope.
I'd called her five minutes earlier and
told her I was alive, and now I was dead.
I was sure I would be crushed by falling
debris. He crouched behind a cyclone fence
that caught the debris flying his way and
saved his life. Just before the fence gave
way he moved down West Street, eventually
stumbling into the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel.
Because of the dust cloud he walked almost
a block before he realized he was in a tunnel
and turned around and retraced his steps.
Soon after that day my husband's enormous
family gathered together around Greg. We
brought his favorite dishes, sat close to
him, marveled when he breathed and ate and
smiled. Greg's about six-two. He has a big
head, thick closely cropped salt and pepper
hair and a solid body. The impression one
gets sitting near him is of strength, vitality,
even power. He's a mathematician and works
for the Port Authority.
He told us when the plane hit the building
he assumed it was a bomb. Through the whole
ordeal, all the long dark way down the stairs
from the seventy-first floor, he was preoccupied
with one question: Why would you detonate
a bomb so far up in the building? To him
it made much more sense to detonate it low:
more damage, more lives lost, you don't
have to transport the bomb so far up into
the building, less opportunity for detection.
When he learned a plane had caused the damage
to the building, part of what he felt was
relief: there had been an explanation for
the height of the impact after all. The
coordinates of his life had been permanently
altered but his mind was still sound. Reason
was, even now, available to him.
Greg, a mild man, seemed devoid of anger
as he spoke. It was early still. None of
us had gone to a single memorial service.
People were lining up to give blood for
the survivors. We didn't use these words
regularly yet: pile, ground zero, box cutters,
flight school. He said, there in the living
room, that the attacks were ironic because
the Persians, that's what he called the
men our President was referring to as terrorists,
had actually invented, no, discovered, the
positional numbering system. You know, place
value, he said, his voice becoming animated.
Positional numbering makes it possible to
have algorithms for multiplication and division-the
stuff we learned in grammar school. These
discoveries took place around the year one
thousand but Greg's voice contained fresh
admiration, respect and gratitude. Clearly
the universe was richer for the positional
numbering system.
It was a great relief to listen to Greg
that afternoon. Not only was he alive, he
was intact. The experience had not mutilated
him. I found it simultaneously incredible
and entirely plausible that a mathematician
in a tall building who believed a bomb had
just been detonated and was making his way
out of the building could be both frightened
and curious, that he could concentrate on
a question and find it, his question, his
own mind working, a comforting escort out
of dire danger. Here was a mind accustomed,
even in extremity, to thinking of things
in themselves. And here he was, still whole
and complete, able to express not only sorrow,
anger and fear but also gratitude, respect,
a degree of balance, and the large-hearted
perspective of humor.
There is irony in our present day situation:
modernity engaged in a bitter battle with
the traditional culture whose minds and
work made modernity possible. Not inevitable
or even probable, but just barely possible,
and now, here we were, a millennium later,
listening to Greg, still coughing up dust
from his lungs, gently noting this irony
in the dining room.
The week I sat next to Greg, I heard love
defined as essentially the power in the
mind which makes it possible for us to move
out of the rigidity (the paralysis) induced
by fear, shame, guilt and might (force).
That definition of love, coming into my
life when it did, braided itself together
with the memory of Greg's equanimity as
he recounted his September experience and
helped me to balance just this side of despair
as we buried, or at least memorialized,
a friend and several neighbors. It seemed
that an essential oil had been distilled
and given to me, enough to light a small
but durable flame by which I could make
my way intact.
When Greg told me where he was standing
when the towers fell, I thought he was teasing
me. How could there be such a poignant,
sentimental address? West and Liberty? I
repeated and he smiled. The immensity of
what was at stake in this conflict began
to grow clear. To avoid tears I stood up,
kissed the top of Greg's big head and carried
some dishes into the kitchen. It wasn't
until I was scraping them to put them into
the dishwasher that I thought of the men
who flew those planes into the buildings,
thought, actually, of their heads and realized
that, unlike Greg, none of them had lived
long enough to have much gray hair. Which
is to say my mind began to reassert its
natural desire to think of things in themselves:
omnipotent terrorists began to melt into
furious young men with heads and hair, experiences
and history, numbered days and limited,
albeit deadly, power here on this earth.
Both fear and equanimity are contagious.
Had Greg presented himself as irrevocably
harmed and permanently incensed, the caricature
of a terrorist within my mind would have
waxed, not waned, in strength and vitality.
In the aftermath of the September attacks
we have witnessed, both domestically and
internationally, the mental paralysis induced
by fear: blinded by the dust of the trade
towers' collapse we've stumbled into the
tunnel of highly polarized, incendiary,
inflexible, inarticulate responses on all
sides. In our agitation we have forgotten
that no matter how frightened and angry
we are, our minds are capable of sustaining
the tremendous tensions inherent in moderation
and ambiguity. We have, momentarily, forgotten
our own history: for many centuries now,
not inexorably, but occasionally, here and
there, intermittently, imperfectly, when
we have grown calm enough to entertain it,
reason has been escorting us out of harm's
way toward, well, liberty.
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